Goodbye, 2020

2020 has been, by far, the hardest year of my life. Losing my baby girl and experiencing a D&C rocked me to my core and left me shattered.

I’ve felt heavy grief before, but this was unlike any previous loss. A part of me literally died and was taken from me… actually ripped from my body.

And after 10 weeks of living with that loss, I found out I was pregnant once again. I know it’s hard to understand why this wouldn’t have filled me with joy and maybe healed me… but what it actually did was paralyze me with fear. Now, I’d spend my days in agony over the loss of one baby girl and in fear that I’d lose this one, too. And on top of that, I had Lydia. I couldn’t disappear. I had to be present and happy and give her everything she needed.

I dreaded every appointment I had, but I had them as often as I could. The immense fear I felt seconds before I’d hear the heartbeat were terrorizing, and the incredible heartbreak I felt after were equally painful. It was such a strange thing to be relieved that my baby was okay, but also feel utter sadness that it wasn’t the baby I was carrying only months before.

And on top of all of this, neither of my parents were here. I know loneliness is a theme for the majority of us in 2020 because we haven’t physically been able to be with our families. But my reality is that I couldn’t be with them even if Covid didn’t exist. I couldn’t call them or write to them. They’ve both been gone for many years now and that’s my reality. But, of course, we always want our mom when we go through something painful.

The thing about grief is it doesn’t ever go away. Loss doesn’t ever get easier. I don’t even think we get stronger. I just think we sort of get used to the pain.

And so that’s what 2020 has been for me… getting used to the pain. Living with the knowledge that I will never hold my baby girl in this lifetime.

Now, as that pain became more bearable, and my pregnancy continued to progress, I started to feel less fear and more hope. I started to feel joy… I started to allow myself to be happy for this baby growing inside of me. The wall started to break down and I allowed myself to be her mom. To talk about her, to sing to her, to dream for her, to truly allow her a space in our family.

And although this pregnancy has been ridiculously rough physically and emotionally, I am so very grateful for every day that this baby has been a part of me.

And so, as we say goodbye to 2020, we look forward to what the new year has to bring. I am not naïve. I know it will take more than a fresh year to heal me. And I wouldn’t even say that I’m ready to say goodbye to the pain I felt this year, because in some strange way, that feels like I’m saying goodbye to the baby I lost. And I can never do that.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through the many losses I’ve faced in my life is that grief and joy can coexist. So, here is to a new year of love and hope and growth and healing. Here’s to allowing myself to continue to feel what I need to feel but also to let go of the guilt I feel when I experience joy.

Goodbye, 2020. 💔♥️