I distinctly remember thinking, after hours and hours of excruciating labor, that there was no way I was strong enough to birth my baby girl. I knew it had to happen. I just couldn’t imagine how I’d have the strength to endure another second of the massive pain I was in. Confidence was at an all time low.
The thing is, our bodies are unbelievably strong. After enduring months of agonizing infertility treatments, almost a year of growing another human being, and nearly 25 hours of all stages of labor, my body had proven its strength. And yet, in those final moments of intense labor, I doubted it.
Obviously, my beautiful baby arrived and the physical pain went away almost instantaneously. (I was FINALLY administered an epidural when I was dilated at a 10. More on that another day.) I never understood the phrase, “the strength of a mother” until I became one. I endured labor. I did it. Talk about a confidence boost!
As my body healed, I was in charge of this tiny, little life. I fed her. I protected her. I loved on her. I kept her warm. I didn’t know what I was doing, but my mother’s intuition gave me the confidence to be a mom. Over the next couple months, I lived in this euphoric bubble. I spent my days feeding Lydia and watching her sleep. My husband was home for those first 8 weeks and I remember we would sit in the living room and wouldn’t even turn on the television. We’d just hold her or watch her or talk about her. She was perfect.
(Please do not take this as me saying the first few months of motherhood were easy and perfect. Trust me- I struggled with breastfeeding and a million other little things. Again, more on that later.)
During this time together, my changing body didn’t affect me in the slightest. I didn’t even think about it. I knew I’d resume workouts after I was cleared. I thought I’d lose the baby weight IMMEDIATELY. It just didn’t phase me. Well, the days went by and my tiny baby grew and grew. I started to get into the swing of things and eventually, my husband went back to work. After recovering from throwing out my back and after post-birth healing, I was ready to dive back into fitness. I worked out with my tiny baby next to me and I finished a 3 week program. I shared videos and pictures of myself unfiltered and in just a sports bra. I know I was much heavier than I had been before Lydia, but I saw that as a badge of honor and I simply looked at it as a challenge. I LOVED my body and I was so confident in myself and my abilities. I BIRTHED a baby. I was a GOOD mom. I could do ANYTHING. I’d lose the weight in no time.
I could go on and on and share lots of details of the next 3 or 4 months, but I’ll save that for another time. I’ll just tell you that as time passed, and as the new mom fog started to lift and the euphoria started to dissipate, and as my body started to change (yeah, it does that even after pregnancy- I call it jelly belly and it is not delightful) the confidence I had gained from doing the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD started to fade. And over time, postpartum anxiety would take over and my confidence would take beating after beating with postpartum hair loss, acne, weight GAIN, paranoias, and so much more. I’d stop looking at myself in the mirror. I’d leave myself out of photos with my baby girl. I’d feel terror anytime I knew I had to put on real clothes. The lack of confidence was CRIPPLING.
And it got to me. It really did. But one of the biggest things I learned after losing my mom was to allow myself to FEEL my pain. To recognize and even respect its presence and to truly live through it instead of with it. Exercise THROUGH grief, right?
And so, around February, I recommitted. I told myself that I would work out because it made me FEEL good. Not because it could lead to weight loss. I tried to really eat intuitively and without restriction. I didn’t want to torture myself with yo-yo dieting. And that wasn’t who I’d become. I had spent my 20s learning what healthy living truly meant and I knew that restriction and forced workouts would only strengthen my lack of confidence. So, I just created a routine and I did what felt good. I found workouts that I loved and I did them one after the other, day after day. I hid the scale and I stopped focusing on what my body looked like and paid attention to how I felt. I had some bumps along the way- particularly around 7 months postpartum. My hormones were raging and my body was trying to self-regulate after I stopped breastfeeding at 5 months PP. I went through many, many ups and downs and it it was TOUGH knowing that my body was changing at ALL.
But, I just kept reminding myself that I was strong. I BUILT the confidence back in me and it happened before the weight started coming off. That weight loss didn’t happen until I was nearly 10 months postpartum. Finally, my body started changing.
These pictures portray a 4 month difference. I took the first one 9 months after I delivered my baby. This was 3 months after recommitting to my health. This was after months and months of ZERO physical change. But it was during my emotional transformation. I started to gain confidence and I grew to understand what self-love really means.
The second picture was taken this morning. There is about a 30 pound difference. That’s cool. Honestly, it feels great. But what feels even better is the confidence I grew along the way. Working out each morning became part of a routine that I thrive off of. It became a part of me and I enjoy starting my day off with exercise. And while I still have weight to lose, my goal isn’t a number. It is continued confidence. It is self-growth. It is real and raw self-reflection. It truly is self-love. And that journey isn’t temporary. It is part of life. And I finally have a peace within me that loves it.
Mamas- I know it is so hard to look in the mirror and see a body that is so very different from what it was for so long. But please be encouraged. You are EXACTLY who you are supposed to be. Yes, work on yourself. Make goals and make your health a priority. If you need a system, I can help you. BUT, focus on who you are INSIDE. Focus on your strengths, because GIRL, you can do hard things. Pay attention to self-growth and love the stage of life you are in. Be confident. Fight like hell to be the best version of you, but in a way that makes you happy. You deserve that.
Love, Di
Diannah Killian 
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